My QuitMeter is Gone...

I just removed my QuitMeter, so you know what that means! Yes, I am smoking again. I am thoroughly disgusted and very pissed off at myself. I FEEL LIKE A SUCH A FAILURE!!!! I had to smoke a cig before I sat down to post this...and I stink! My hair, skin, and my breath STINKS! How disgusting! I feel awful and I'm crying as I post this. I was doing SO WELL..for 10 weeks I did not smoke and now, in this last week, I'm back up to a pack a day! I was actually suicidal a few days ago...I AM OK NOW so no need to be alarmed! I'm about to eat dinner and start back on Chantix. I think I understand what happened to me and why I started smoking again. I want to post my thoughts before I start my journey again.

• Compared to other Chantix users, I tolerated it extremely well. Aside from bloating/gas problems, I didn't have any major, life-altering side effects. I had NO cravings whatsoever! I have a few minor thoughts of smoking, but aside from that, I did not want to smoke. Some days, especially when I didn't eat when taking my pill, I felt nauseous and the gastro problems were annoying, but not so bad to make me stop taking it...but that was month 1 and 2. Those first 2 months were soooo easy! I even posted that it was too easy for me, that it could not be this easy... well, perhaps I jinxed myself. I picked up my 3rd and last box of Chantix (I was on the 3 month program) and for whatever reason, I no longer tolerated it so well. The gastro problems got sooo bad that I could not function normally. I was missing days at work and not eating because my stomach was all messed up. Ok, thank goodness the first 2 months weren't like that or I wouldn't have made it to the 3rd month. So, bottom line, I got tired of being sick and i got COCKY! I figured, hey, I've been doing extremely well...I don't need this anymore! I only stopped 2 weeks earlier than my prescribed program (I stopped at week 10, instead of week 12 and I did NOT taper off). I just got tired of being sick and I just stopped taking the Chantix.
  
  
• The week I quit Chantix, my best friend's mom died suddenly. I was feeling edgy, but I did not smoke throughout that time...but, last week, I got a call from Chicago - one of my brother's had died unexpectedly! In the span of 2 weeks, I attended 2 funerals...one of a woman very dear to me and one of my baby brother! I simply did not have the energy to fight The Evil Addict! Actually, I did NOT have a craving to smoke, at least not a physical craving...I just felt I had to DO SOMETHING to calm down and to not think. I was in such pain, I simply did not want to FEEL anything. Also, in some perverse way, I think I was attempting a slow type of suicide, to continue the slow death that smoking inevitably brings. My brother never smoked a day in his life...so why, should I, the older sibling, a NICOTINE ADDICT deserve to live? I was, and excuse my language, F'd up in the head those first few days after his death and funeral. I am ok now and ready to fight The Evil Addict again.
  
  
• Having said all that, here is my opinion of Chantix: IT WORKS! IT DID HELP ME QUIT SMOKING and as long as I'm on it, I have no desire to smoke. I've read where some of you were prescribed for 6 months, I was only prescribed for 3 months...perhaps I need another full 3 months, but for now, I have enough left to get me through a month (I'm only going to take 1mg a day by splitting my pills in half...I have enough to be on it for another full month... if that doesn't work, I will ask my Dr. for another 3-month prescription).
  
  
• Chantix, as wonderful as it is, is NOT a miracle pill. At some point, you have to stop taking it and the decision to remain smoke-free is up to you. I have more to say, but honestly, I'm tired and I'm hungry and I'm going to go eat a very late dinner and start back on Chantix.

I don't have the energy or will to proof this post, so I hope I'm not rambling too much with too many typos...if so, I apologize, I'll re-read tomorrow and clean it up it I have to.